How to Survive Your Relationship: Your Mini Playbook for Keeping the Peace
Disagreements? They’re as inevitable as taxes or that one friend who always cancels at the last minute. Given this fact of life, we can expect that every relationship, even the healthiest ones, will at some point need to work through some rough patches. And as we navigate whatever issues come our way, it's crucial to recognize that the problem isn’t that we disagree, but rather, how we disagree. How we attempt to settle our disagreements will determine the quality of our interactions—whether we progress collaboratively or face choppy waters. Will we default to unhelpful patterns like avoidance, criticism, or fighting to win? Or can we stay composed and compassionate, even when we’re upset?
By reframing how we view disagreements, we invite the best version of ourselves to the table. In doing so, we get a shot at addressing problems in a constructive way that's anchored in shared values, rather than stuck in counterproductive patterns of blame or defensiveness.
It’s Not About Winning. It’s About Staying Connected
In his book Never Split the Difference, Chris Voss, a former FBI negotiator, illustrates the art of effective communication. He writes, “He who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation.” His insights, forged in intense hostage negotiations, have resonated widely in sales and leadership circles because they focus on remaining empathetic and respectful, and cool under pressure—skills that are crucial for building healthy relationships. His insights are not just for negotiation experts or sales superstars. They're just as relevant for anyone looking to communicate effectively when emotions are running high.
When Conflict Becomes Combat
There’s a reason why so much has been written on the topic of conflict resolution. Getting it right is tough. When we’re hurt or feel backed into a corner, our gut reaction is to protect ourselves. And that’s when we sometimes say or do things we wish we hadn’t. That “me versus you” mindset can turn couples into opponents, and things usually go downhill from there. Any real shot at solving the problem gets lost as both sides push the offense.
Picture two partners hurling verbal grenades, more focused on defending their turf than working collaboratively to troubleshoot. Something small, like who forgot to clean the kitchen (no offense to those who love a tidy kitchen—I do too), can spiral into a full-blown argument. The original issue gets buried, and the new problem becomes the battle itself. Nothing gets resolved, and both partners are left feeling misunderstood and upset. Preventing this pattern from occurring is key to preventing long-term damage in a relationship.
It’s (Usually) Not About the Dishes
So why does it get so intense? Consider that it’s not just about what’s happening in the moment. Old wounds and bottled-up feelings can be fuel for a raging wildfire. I once worked with a couple who prided themselves on not getting stuck on small grievances. They wore their ability to let the “little things” go almost like a badge of honor. For them, overlooking grievances was a way of protecting the relationship.
They would bite their tongues for weeks until the smallest infraction triggered a blow-up. All the resentment they had bottled up would finally spill over in one big eruption. This pattern kept repeating because they believed staying silent protected the relationship. But in reality, it only fueled bigger conflicts down the line. They learned the hard way that avoiding conflict didn’t really make them noble or truly protect the relationship. In fact, it just built up pressure for a clash later.
Turn Complaints Into Requests
So where do we go from here? Well, when it starts to feel like a storm is brewing, some practical shifts can help clear up the cloudy skies. One helpful approach is turning our complaints into requests. Complaints are often the raw materials of our unmet needs. If they come out raw and unprocessed, they often sound like an attack. They can instantly put others on defense. Instead, it helps to “process” what you’re asking for in a way that’s direct and actionable by making a request. Bonus points for sprinkling in a kind tone to go with the request (it’ll go a long way).
For example, instead of saying “You always leave the car a mess,” try: “Hey, would you mind cleaning out the car this week, please?”. This approach gives the other person something to work with, not fight against. This small shift in communication keeps the conversation focused on the now, rather than referencing past frustrations.
Changing complaints into requests can channel frustration into a clear, respectful message that the other person can respond to. I’ve worked with many couples who have successfully used this strategy to avoid potential blow-ups and get what they want. When it stops being about blame and starts being about helping each other, the relationship wins.
In instances when the other person cannot accommodate a request, they can explain why. And now, you’re in a constructive conversation, not a tug-of-war. I find that this strategy works well and does not take much practice to get the hang of. Of course, it isn’t a magic fix. Having your request declined by your partner might be tough to accept, and you may need to work through some bumps until a satisfactory solution is reached. Still, it’s a big step toward keeping things respectful and solution-focused.
Take a Break Before It Breaks You
Sometimes, even with the best intentions, things get too heated to stay productive. Research from relationship experts like psychologist John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, shows that when stress spikes, it’s hard to think clearly or respond well. That’s when a timeout helps.
When a pause is needed, try not to frame it as avoidance. Rather, think of it as stepping away from a charged situation so that both partners can reset. This gives all parties a chance to cool off and come back when they're ready to work together productively.
Progress, Not Perfection
The real work in relationships isn’t about avoiding conflict. It’s about learning to move through it with respect, kindness, and a clear head. How we speak, listen, and respond can make the difference between growing closer or drifting apart. Remember: disagreements aren’t the problem; how we handle them is. Got a concern you’ve been holding in? This week, try replacing a complaint with a request and deliver the message with a little warmth. See how this approach shifts the tone. Things won’t always work out flawlessly. But every time you choose kindness over combat, you’re strengthening your connection and building trust that lasts.
A quick reminder before you go:
Be intentional about the version of you that shows up when you’re frustrated. Ask yourself: Am I showing up as the partner who wants to solve this, or the one who just wants to vent or win?
Turn complaints into requests wherever you can. Complaints tend to make people defensive. Requests give them something clear and actionable to respond to.
Pause the action when working together isn’t possible. When things get too heated, stepping away isn’t avoidance. It’s a way to cool off and come back when you’re both ready to work on it together.
