Bad Hair Days: An Anxiety Acceptance Metaphor
Imagine your anxious feelings and thoughts to be like the hairs on your head. Imagine some hairs are sticking up at a weird angle, or a few wayward strands have fallen across your forehead in a way that feels slightly off. For most people, this might be a tiny thing. They might absentmindedly push their hair back into place with their fingers while going about their day.
Now imagine you had absolutely no tolerance for even one hair being slightly out of place. This would mean that the moment you noticed any defiant strand, you would focus all your attention on fussing with your hair. You wouldn’t accept anything other than perfect, and when you noticed something other than that, you’d immediately stop what you were doing to try and make things right.
Imagine walking to work and noticing some hairs out of place tickling your forehead. Frustrated, you would stop to pat and smooth your hair out, with your comb, which followed you everywhere. You’d be late to work pretty often because every fifteen steps or so you’d have to stop to find the nearest reflective surface and investigate your coif. You’d spend much of your commute either thinking about your hair or actively engaged in rearranging it. You’d notice that when you weren’t tending to your hair, you’d be tending to the thoughts about your hair. You’d often think about your constant hair struggles and wonder how you might tame the wild beast on your head.
At work, you'd excuse yourself from meetings quite often and run to the bathroom to take care of business. You'd be in there making sure your hair was looking just right, as anything less would be a problem. Rather than work stuff, your work travel bag would include a small towel along with some shampoo and hair products. You would need it for those really bad hair days when you decided to dunk your head in the bathroom sink and start your hair routine from scratch.
During beautiful summer afternoons, you’d make your friend dine indoors when meeting for lunch, as the breeze would be your sworn enemy. You’d avoid leisurely walks, bicycle rides, and any situation that might cause your hair to not look its very best. In fact, you’d often stay home to ensure that your hair could be controlled.
Can you picture living like this?
Stepping Back: What This Means for Anxiety
You might complain that these stray hairs are ruining your life and that, if only your hairs could follow instructions, life would be so much easier. You'd say to your therapist, “These damn out-of-place hairs are destroying my life!”
But would that be entirely accurate?
Is it really the stray hairs that are causing all your woes, or would it be your refusal to tolerate even one hair being slightly out of place?
Imagine now what would happen if you were willing to walk around with the occasional strands sticking up or maybe even falling across your forehead. Imagine if sometimes you could tolerate a bad hair day. Just imagine what your relationship with suffering might be if you were willing to adjust your zero-tolerance rule. You wouldn’t love it, but through your willingness to have this problem be, you’d reserve your time and energy for things other than worrying about your hair.
When we identify our uncomfortable thoughts or feelings and decide that we simply cannot have them, we work hard to push them away. This is not easily done and we find ourselves in a time-draining, energy-sucking fight that can make things much worse.
Once we become willing to accept these unwanted aspects of ourselves, we can find that our relationship with suffering can change.
Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.
— Steven C. Hayes, Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life
If this resonates and you're ready to change your relationship with anxiety, I offer in-person counseling in downtown Jersey City and virtually throughout New Jersey. I invite you to get in touch if you'd like to explore working together.
